The Joy of Cooking in Tanzania

There's a lot to learn about life here in Tanzania, and I've been quite busy over the past three weeks, be it teaching, cleaning, or killing cockroaches with a machete.  So far here in Songea, however, the most challenging aspect of my life---and, by extension, the one I'm most determined to improve---is cooking.  I'll be brutally honest: I have the cooking ability of an epileptic chimp suffering from an aneurysm... prior to my arrival in Africa, the closest thing I had done to proper cooking was chem lab, and I wasn't any good at that, either.  Thus, becoming a decent chef has been the overarching theme of my last three weeks at site, and I've definitely had a bunch of thrills---and spills---along the way.  So, without further ado, I present for your viewing pleasure "Three Weeks of Cooking with Paul in Tanzania---the Cookbook."


Paul's World-Famous Failburgers
Buy a kilo of meat.  Realize the butcher gave you a crappy cut, and hack off 3/4 kilo of bone, gristle, and connective tissue.  Run remaining meat through a meat grinder.  Have meat grinder jam.  Take apart meat grinder and remove more connective tissue.  Reassemble meat grinder and try again.  Have about 1/2 burger's worth of meat come out.  Take remaining jammed meat and cut into tiny pieces.  Break an egg over the pile of meat, accidentally getting bits of shell into the patty.  Decide you're too hungry to care and fry the patty in a pan using too much oil.  Have patty disintegrate the second you place it in the pan.  Consume sullenly over a piece of bread.

N.Y. Strip Steak with Sauteed Onions, Green Beans, and Mashed Potatoes
Spend all day picking up the necessary ingredients.  Get really excited for the feast you have planned.  Come home.  Have the power go out.  Realize that the only stoves you have in your house are electric.  Also realize that, while you own a kerosene lantern, you don't have any matches.  Eat bananas alone in the dark.

Two-Day-Old N.Y. Strip Steak with Sauteed Onions, Green Beans, and Mashed Potatoes
Wait 36 hours for the power to come back on.  Excitedly tear open the newspaper wrapping your raw meat.  Sadly realize that the meat is now completely spoiled/full of maggots.  Give meat to a hungry dog.  Die a little inside.

Garlic Hash Browns... with a Kick!
Chop garlic, chop potatoes, chop hot pepper.  Put too much oil in the pan.  Don't think it's a big deal, and dump everything in.  Have one drop of scalding hot oil splash out of the pan and land right between your eyes.  Look like you have a bindi for the next three weeks.  Also realize that, despite all odds, hash browns are actually delicious.

The Almighty Calorie Pile
Don't eat anything all day.  Miss the last daladala into town.  Return home and take everything remotely consumable in your kitchen (meat, eggs, potatoes, rice, spinach, tomatoes, onions, garlic, hot peppers, bananas, last night's leftovers, etc.), chop into fine pieces, and dump into a giant pot.  Add some water for good measure.  Cook the **** out of everything for 1.5+ hours.  Pour resulting grayish mixture over rice.  Serve.

Toast
Can't mess up toast!  Oh wait, yes you can.  Turn heat all the way up and put bread on a pan.  Forget you're cooking toast and go out and work in the garden for 30 minutes.  Be alarmed when you see black smoke issuing from your kitchen window.  Come back inside to realize that you've almost burned your house down.

Make-Believe Grilled Cheese
Take two pieces of bread.  Fry in a pan with a little bit of oil.  Put one piece of bread on top of the other.  Pretend you have cheese.  Savor.


In all honesty, my cooking has, in fact, come along somewhat, and my meals are slowly becoming more palatable as I gain more experience.  It's a growing process, I guess, and I have a whole two years to perfect my art.  Now, if you'll excuse me, all this talk is making me hungry.  I think I'll buy some more bananas in case my power goes out again.